You must be fully comfortable within
yourself before you can be effective in
communicating with others. True
discussion requires the ability to be fully present and fully interested in the
perspective of others. It is a discussion
between equals, in which you are solid and aligned within yourself to
the point that you are able to hear and desire to
understand the opinion of another without interruption, without anger,
and without "the need to be 'right'."
There's not necessarily a need to agree, but the ability to genuinely
strive to understand another person's perspective is a vital skill you
should call upon often.
2. Take the time to increase your
awareness. As we tend to "close ourselves off" to the world outside of
our phones, the television, iPad, computer or our favorite book, what
other information might await as we open ourselves up to confronting
the world around us every day in 3D? The outdoors, your own space, the
objects around you—pick them up, feel them, hold them, genuinely
discover them and you may be amazed by the things you will learn. From
the moment your feet hit the floor in the morning, become aware of the
solidness of the floor, and take a moment to throw open the drapes and
really take in the characteristics of the space that
surrounds you. From this vantage point, you can spend the rest of your
day with an attitude of looking "out" instead of contracting "inward."
It will make a great difference in the perspectives you see.
3. True integrity requires learning to be
yourself – the same self – at all times and with all people. We've all
seen the people who shift like a chameleon to be the person they
consider fitting for every occasion. The suave and entertaining person
who is life of the party and then goes home to yell at a spouse. The
boss who shines like a star from the podium and after the program is
over shouts abuse at his staff. The person who feigns religious piety
or political conservatism in front of the parent or boss and then
becomes a different person entirely for the rest of the week. Great
communication
requires that you "lose the attitudes" you put on like a coat from
your closet and learn to exist as the same authentic and integrated
person in the presence of everyone else in your life. Who is that
person? If you aren't sure or the question is suddenly giving you
pause, you have work to do.
4. Help is only "help" in the eye of the
receiver. People can become upset if the
"help" you provide isn't helpful for them. As you provide something
others didn't really want or weren't expecting, they become annoyed
and you consider them ungrateful. As a boss, the help you are needing
should take the form of a job description (the clearer the better). As
a manager or team member, learn to ask the deeper questions such as,
"Of everything on your plate, if you were to receive help, what would
be most beneficial?" or "What kinds of feedback or additional
information would be most useful to you?"
These small steps can save untold anxiety while also respecting and
empowering the people you serve. It is also interesting to note that
research shows millennial employees are especially poised to thrive on
help—not on getting help, but on giving it. The opportunity to serve
others in a way
they consider meaningful can be
extremely motivational and rewarding for them. (Pamela notes that this
principle is highly true when working with children as well.)
5. Be aware of your emotional level before you respond. Beyond words,
we live in a continuum of attitudes and emotions. At any instant our
emotional state can range from zero (complete apathy) to ten (flaming
rage). We are at our cognitive best when we are operating at or near
the centre of the emotional spectrum. Before making a major choice,
and especially before responding in a difficult situation, it
is vital to step back and take your
emotional pulse. Especially when you are angry, ask yourself "What is
it I want to happen? Is what I'm about to say or do the best way to
achieve that result?" As Pamela will say, "Words have power. You can't
take them back. Use them with care." Of all the "Pam Lessons" that
have stayed with me, this single principle has changed outcomes within
my business again and
again. Always sleep on a hard decision or discussion before acting. Avoid the
temptation to react to a volatile situation with ill chosen words.
This advice applies to "bragging" as well—when a former business
competitor bragged about a contract before the deal was actually won,
it reminded me to reach back out to the former account. The result: it
was my team
who won the sizeable deal. In another
company a highly accomplished sales VP, after drinking too much on the
eve of a major company conference, bragged that his company and CEO
were inferior but were leading the market anyway due entirely to his
brilliant performance in sales. The next morning, he was relieved of
his job. It is also interesting in business (and personal) situations
to observe that
the greatest power in the room is often
held by the individuals who aren't
speaking–the strongest people in the room are often the ones who have
sufficient confidence and emotional restraint to keep their mouths
closed.
6. Trust, loyalty, faithfulness and honesty are the cornerstones to
resolving misunderstandings and lies. Unless people are deliberately
vicious and evil, they don't purposely tell lies, they simply
interpret what they see or are told. If there's a "drama queen" in the
person's nature, they'll also embellish it a bit for a better story.
But at all times, as a communicator, be careful and aware of the
assumptions you make. Allow other parties to explain themselves, or
take the time to investigate the facts sufficiently before you jump to
accuse. You should put
critical communications in writing.
However, when misunderstandings occur, if the four key elements are
present—trust, loyalty, faithfulness and honesty–the majority of
misunderstandings are quickly resolved. No matter how dire a
misunderstanding, great communicators will seek out the information
they need before reacting and will maintain an atmosphere of respect
in the conversation that ensues. If it turns out that the worst has
actually happened, you will at least be
armed with correct information (and the advantage of forethought)
before acting. Remember that with an attitude of respect you can be
successful within most any conversation, no matter how tough.
However, if respect and honesty aren't
possible on either side of the table, there is little basis for the
partnership to exist and very little hope the relationship can be
saved.
7. Fear is the enemy of communication.
Anxiety, nervousness, panic, loss of
control (or the need to take full control)
are the signposts of fear. At a primal level, fear is your brain's way
of warning you to react quickly (even instantly) to present dangers or
to triggers that appear similar to bad experiences you've had in the
past.
Healthy fear reacts to real and present
dangers. Unhealthy fear makes people feel insecure. They don't trust
others, nor do they trust themselves to be strong enough to handle the
negative situations they may face. What are your own fears? Name them
– remember them – and determine
once and for all (if needed, with a
counselor's help) if these are real dangers or simply the unhealthy
act of giving away strength to the irrelevant thing that you fear. As
you determine what you're afraid of (and why) it may help to ask
yourself just how big the danger is. Bigger than an avalanche? And now
describe a fear you don't have that's even bigger than that. A train
wreck? Or a bomb explosion? From
that perspective, perhaps your fear of
giving a speech is not such a big deal after all, and you can free
yourself to proceed.
8. Blame is an irresponsible attitude. When you assign blame, you
demonstrate to the world that you are too weak to own the
responsibility of your actions. When a person jumps to blame others,
they lose the ability to make a truthful assessment of the relevant
facts. Blame becomes
wrapped up with its companions of Shame and Regret. The opposite of
blame is responsibility (response+ability), the power to respond to a
situation and the ability to make it right, if possible. Sincere
apologies are the result of responsibility. But a person who is shamed
into apologizing is not genuinely apologizing at all. And regret is a
useless emotion that leaves a person mired and "stuck" in the
past. So the next time you are tempted to blame the tool you've used, or the
manufacturer, or another person, take the time to investigate all of
the facts and enact a responsible solution instead.
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